Déjà Vu

Today took me back... one of those days where I felt like I was putting out fires left and right nonstop. We were 20 minutes late getting down for lunch. We were 20 minutes late getting down for dismissal. At the end of the day I just felt aggravated, exhausted and on edge.

Just like back in the fall I was angry, almost entirely at the kids. Why couldn't they just sit down and shut up? It wasn't until I was home and had time to relax and reflect when I started questioning myself. What was I (not) doing to ensure that expectations were clear and appropriate behavior was reinforced.

It's a disheartening experience to go through a day like today. I'm not the only one getting frustrated. A lot of my students end up just as angry and they tend to take it pretty hard. Sometimes they take it out on each other. It's hard to hear one of your favorite students say, "I hate this class," and not know what to say.

But, back to the questions I found myself asking. Did the students know what they were supposed to be doing? If so, did they understand what they were doing? If they didn't understand what to do, did they know what to do then? If they finished early did they have something to keep them busy?

These questions don't address everything that went wrong today. But I know if I can make sure that the answer to all of these questions is a definitive yes it will go a long way towards minimizing a lot of chaos and misbehavior. I also know back in September after a day like today (of which there were many, many) I wouldn't have even known what questions to ask myself. So maybe I can take solace in stepping back, and realizing there's been immense progress.

Where's the Outrage?

I've been caught in the minutia. Worried about how to teach test sophistication. How to get my assessment binder filled with acuity data and DRA scores. How to get my students' portfolios up to date. It's all important and part of best practices. But for someone like me who took this job on for very specific reasons it can all serve as a distraction. Classroom management too.

When I first started teaching I couldn't believe some of the stuff I saw around me. The way so many teachers yell... It seemed like in order to get control a lot of teachers sought to disable instead of empower their students. And it feels like lately I've been willing to do the same. I've used sarcasm and yelling, and been too obsessed with equating silence with diligence. What used to appall me in September doesn't even register with me anymore.

This isn't what drew me to teaching. I wanted everything to be different. I wanted to find a way to teach I guess it's a continuing dilemma. How do I fulfill all my obligations and cover my ass without "selling out" my original intentions? I feel like I've learned so much, but at the same time as I look back on where I started I feel like I've lost some focus.

I've only got one year with these kids. And I can focus on teaching all the essentials of the fourth grade curriculum. Or I can also focus on teaching my students how to be better citizens or stronger people. I don't think it's an either-or equation, and hopefully I'll find the right balance by the end of the year.

R.L. Stine's Triumphant Return

'Goosebumps' Rises From the Literary Grave

The Smartboard

My new smartboard is finally all set up and ready to go. Even using it for simple instruction in place of the whiteboard yields huge dividends. The students get so excited by it, and it works as a management tool too. If they get out of hand or aren't paying attention I can just threaten to turn off the smartboard. Of course that will become less effective the more I use it, but for now I'm enjoying the power of the smartboard. I'm working to find more and more ways to incorporate the board into my lessons. I'm excited to see what I can come up with and how I can use it to better engage the students.

The Story of Booger Boy

I stumbled across this article on the NY Times web site and for me it hit close to home. As I've chronicled here classroom management has been my greatest challenge all year. Yet, while I've grown a thick skin and an immunity to the disrespect and attitude directed towards me, the kids' behavior towards one another is the most frustrating of all. It seems almost nonstop that one student is insulting another - telling them to shut up, calling them fat, stupid, or some other childish, but no less virulent, remark. It usually starts with something trivial and ends as soon as they realize I'm listening.

In the case of one student however it just doesn't end. The case of "Booger Boy (BB)" is really a tragic one. Way back in October, ALP (see also) decided he didn't like BB. It didn't really matter why. Allegedly he was picking his nose and eating it. Hence the name. But long after ALP was kicked out of my class and eventually the school, the nickname and the bullying persists. In reading about Billy Wolfe in "A Boy the Bullies Love to Beat Up, Repeatedly" I relived my own feelings of frustration and helplessness.

I know that the responsibility lies with me. To provide a safe classroom environment is the most basic duty of a teacher. And for months I have essentially failed at that. BB has endured verbal and physical abuse all school year and only recently have I seen success in stopping it. The descriptions of Billy echo BB's own behavior:

"Some teachers think he’s a sweet kid; others think he is easily distracted, occasionally disruptive, even disrespectful. He has received a few suspensions for misbehavior, though none for bullying.

Judging by school records, at least one official seems to think Billy contributes to the trouble that swirls around him. For example, Billy and the boy who punched him at the bus stop had exchanged words and shoves a few days earlier."

Who can be surprised when the victim turns to aggression? When he lacks motivation and quite simply gives up on school altogether? In recent months BB's attendance has plummeted. His mom admits he just doesn't want to come to school, because he knows what's waiting for him. What hurt most was when I heard him say to a classmate, "Watch out, Booger Boy coming through." What started as a stupid label had turned into an identity, a justification for complete ostracism.

I've been meaning to introduce Booger Boy for some time now. I guess I hesitated because it's also a story that admits one of my greatest failures as a teacher. I have watched him change from a sweet kid, incredibly eager to please almost to a fault. But over time he just withdrew and the frustration he feels towards his classmates has been channeled into disrespect towards me.

There's still three months left in the year. Three months to turn around this miniature Stanford prison experiment around. Three months to undo my own naivete that things would somehow resolve themselves and counteract the inaction of my administration. Three months to dissolve a label and BB regain his identity.

A Not Too Distant Future

Almost everyday taking the train home I have the same experience. The train is usually packed with people, many of them teenagers. In them I see the possibilities for my kids. Some, dressed nicely in school uniforms are reading or talking quietly about the school day. Others don't seem to be pursuing any opportunities at all. Street clothes, piercings, and tattoos are all visible, but no book bags can be seen. Invariably a girl no older than 16 will be holding a stroller.

These are the divergent paths for my students. I see the potential and the pitfall contained within the same subway car and I think to myself how I might keep my students on the right path. One year isn't much time. And given I've spent half the year floundering it's hard to say I've "done my part."

I want to teach my kids the curriculum. I want them to be proficient readers and writers. I want them to master multiplication and division. I want them to pass all the exams that test these skills. Even better I want them to be critical thinkers. Most of all I want to instill something in them that will stay with them until they are "safe," graduating from high school and pursuing some path of their own. I'll keep in touch with them and support them beyond this year any way I can. I don't know exactly what this means, but I'll take any ideas I can get.

Symbiosis

I've noticed an odd phenomenon among teachers. It seems like you never really end up with more energy or time for yourself. Sure, the job gets easier when certain things become second nature, especially classroom management. But as you spend less energy on these things you divert the surplus to other areas. Whereas a beginning teacher might leave school as soon as the day ends, utterly exhausted, later when they have extra energy at the end of the day they find themselves staying an extra hour or two, organizing field trips, creating after school programs, joining school committees...

Of course the phenomenon I'm speaking of generally is something I've noticed in myself. There's this strange sort of symbiosis developing between myself and the school. Without meaning to I've been leaving closer to 5, closer to 6. Meanwhile I've set up an after school newspaper club. After wondering how anyone could stand to stay in the building more than 15 minutes after dismissal I'm just looking for new ways to spend my time and energy. And it's a good feeling.

When you stick around later you see some good things happening in the building. I know I've learned so much from watching veterans during school hours. Now I'm learning by seeing what they do after hours. The work is never really done. And it doesn't look to ever get easy. It's just a matter of how you spend your time and energy.

A Small Gesture

Things are really coming together. By my own AP's admission my class is filled with "the worst kids." Back in September/October I felt the same way. But I realized that I was using that classification as a crutch. As long as I believed the kids were horrible I didn't have to take full responsibility for their behavior. Nor was I really thinking about all I was doing (or not doing) to engage them and minimize misbehavior and distractions. Now, with spring arriving I feel like a completely different teacher in a completely different classroom. And now accepting that I have a very difficult group makes that progress so much greater.

But while I am seeing enormous progress in pretty much all my students, Woman-Child continues to frustrate and confuse me. In many ways her behavior resembles ALP (see here as well). Luckily since he left my classroom I've learned a bit more about dealing with this kind of behavior. She is still disruptive at time, and definitely knows how to push my buttons. But more than everything I just feel bad for her, because I can see she is smart, but she does nothing to meet her potential.

I've tried pretty much everything I can think of. Providing incentives. Taking away privileges. Giving her responsibilities. Barking orders and talking gently. Every approach usually yields the same roll of the eyes or just straight laughter. 

Now I know that she is going through hell at home. Also I realize that she suffers from very low self-esteem. By now I've also learned all these kids the misbehavior is some combination of disengagement (either the work is too easy or too hard), a need for attention and a struggle for power. Even after acknowledging all these factors I haven't figured her out. 

But I have one last idea. What I'm trying to do now is find some small gesture I can make towards WC, some way to show that I'm on her side, that she doesn't have to fight me at every turn. For now I'm trying this with quiet, private conversations. I'll keep looking for new ways to get through to her. In the mean time, I'm happy to look back at September and realize how far my class and I have come.

If you can dodge a wrench...

I know making Dodgeball references here isn't the best way to boost my credibility as an intellectual or an educator, but after today I couldn't think of a better analogy. Which really goes a long way towards explaining my mind state today. The quote from Dodgeball goes, "If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball." I would paraphrase it this way, "If you can teach the day after St. Patty's Day, you can teach any day." Neither attempting to dodge a wrench nor teaching the day after celebrating St. Patty's day are advisable. In both scenarios you'll probably end up with a splitting headache. That's really where the analogy ends. Now that I've lowered the collective IQ of anyone still reading this, I'm going to pack it in for tomorrow, confident that tomorrow will be much, much easier.

Horror Story

From the Dept. of Things Could Be Worse comes a story of a co-worker and fellow Teaching Fellow at my school... My friend teaches a third grade bilingual class. Like me she's a first year Teaching Fellow. A couple of weeks a new student was brought into her class. As a bilingual teacher most of her students are very recent immigrants. This young boy had just arrived from Colombia.

As it turns out the boy was a street kid. Dad was murdered and Mom OD'ed. He went through several foster homes, but never found a permanent place to live. Finally he was adopted by a teacher who teaches at a middle school nearby our elementary school. As you can imagine any child orphaned and living on the streets of Colombia might have, the boy has some serious issues. These aren't made any easier by the abrupt transition into life here.

The boy's life has been defined by tragedy, and I have no shortage of sympathy for him. Meanwhile, however he's making life a living hell for my colleague. He threatens to kill his teacher, his classmates and/or himself on a very regular basis. He has been "suspended" (spending the day in another room or the AP's office) several times in a few short weeks. Security had to be called when he refused to leave the closet and stop banging his head against the wall. Yesterday he actually strangled a classmate. He was back in class today apparently without repercussions.

It should be clear from all this that the student needs serious psychological support. Support he is not getting at our school. My colleague meanwhile is being pushed to the brink. She is frustrated with her situation, especially since the boy isn't from our district, but is only allowed to attend our school as a favor to his mother since she teaches nearby. I'm doing my best to give advice and support to my friend, but I'm finding it difficult to put a positive spin on what seems to be a nightmare with no end in sight. Ever find yourself wondering about the high turnover rate amongst first year teachers in NYC? Might have something to do with the fact that so many administrations put their new teachers in horribly untenable situations.

Impossible is Nothing

Despite being trained as a Teaching Fellow to teach based on a foundation of high expectations, that concept is surprisingly hard to put into practice in the early stages of teaching. The truth is, as I've said before, it's hard to see past behavior and see pure academic performance. It's harder still to question yourself, and ask what you haven't tried, when it feels like you're doing everything you can. It's not until you start to get a grasp on classroom management and the fundamentals of teaching in general that you have the energy and capability to address these concerns fully.

I'm thinking today of Gary Coleman Jr., a student who seemed literally incapable of sitting still in his seat and doing his work. Instead he was content to run around the classroom pouring other students' pencil shavings out onto their desks or just destroying their work. Although he was already on an IEP, I was convinced he needed stricter support, perhaps a paraprofessional or a smaller class. Five months later, he's still prone to the occasional disrespectful outburst - towards me or a classmate - but he does his work now 90% of the time. When you're a novice you can't see past your own exhaustion to understand that things can change and students can improve.

I also felt a sense of triumph today when I asked Bambi to share her reading response. Bambi has been practically mute for most of the school year. Even simple questions (How was your weekend?) didn't elicit a response. But after making it a point to get the class silent and give the floor to Bambi, I'm finally hearing her voice. Again what I thought for so long to be a learning disability of some kind was just a tough obstacle, but one that could be overcome.

Almost all of my kids have problems of one sort or another. These can seem to be insurmountable. It certainly felt that way in September and October (and November...). But, lately I've been surprised how much can change. But first you have to believe it's possible.

Note: I realize I've ripped off my post title from Adidas, but it's 11:33, I'm tired and running low on originality.

Meme: Passion Quilt

This one's been circulating around the edublogosphere (Who would have thought we'd see the day when that was an semi-acceptable word in the English language?)...

THE RULES:

Post a picture or make/take/create your own that captures what YOU are most passionate for kids to learn about.

Give your picture a short title.

Title your blog post “Meme: Passion Quilt.”

Link back to this blog entry.

Include links to 5 (or more) folks in your professional learning network.

David McNew/Getty Images

Yes We Can

More than anything I want to teach my kids a sense of possibility. I want them to understand that "the fierce urgency of now" is not just a phrase from history, but is a reality of the present. The fight for justice is alive today and it's not just about a larger movement, but about personal choices made everyday. I want them to believe completely in themselves and their ability to accomplish anything they set their minds to. Education is the means to this end, and I hope they will use it to pursue whatever path they choose.

Tagging I'm a Cohort 14 Teaching Fellow, Miss Profe, NYC Public School Blue, Frum Teacher and Polski3.

Testing the Almighty Dollar

This article via the NY Times details a new Washington Heights charter school opening in 2009 that hopes to put the theory that higher teacher pay will attract better teachers (and therefore raise student achievement) to the ultimate test. According to the article, the new school will pay its teachers $125,000, or about three times the pay of most new teachers in NYC. Of course testing the theory in a charter school isn't really the most accurate experiment. Charter schools tend to attract students from families with more involved parents which typically means better academic performance to begin with. Still, it's a good idea. Would be nice to see it put to the test in a regular public school.

Purgatory

I've already discussed the awful feeling of watching my students take a test, powerless to help them. Too often I saw students just extract the numbers from the word problem (or number stories as they're called these days) and add them together. Doesn't matter if the problem's asking for subtraction, multiplication or division, because they don't bother to really read for understanding.

Then there's the problem that most of my students didn't bother to pay attention when I tried to drill 12 inches = 1 foot into their heads. So when a question asks students to convert 4 feet 6 inches into inches I saw 46, 10, 24 and all sorts of answers other than 54.

The good news is tomorrow it will be over. I did my best to prepare them, even sacrificing my sanity for the sake of test prep. I can only hope they learned enough to pass. I know that I learned enough from the whole experience that next year things will be done much differently. Of course that will be true of everything, not just test prep.

Pretzels and Pencils

Today marked exactly six months since my first day of teaching. I got to celebrate this auspicious occasion by proctoring the New York state math exam for my students. Six months of learning, including almost two weeks of intensive test "sophistication" (we in the education community are creative with our euphemisms), and it all comes down to 30 bubbled letters. Of course we have two more days of short answer questions, but those aren't really weighted heavily enough to change today's outcome much.

I was doing my usual laps around the room. I was trying to peek over students' shoulders and get an idea of how they were doing. I saw there was some success with my estimation blitz and my work on multiplication. Still, plenty of silly mistakes. And then there was the fact that most students finished in twenty or thirty minutes. Now when I used to take tests like these as a student I often finished really early. With my students, I'm not so sure I can take it as a good sign.

In any case, I knew that today there was nothing left for me to do. I just tried to create as positive an environment as possible for them to come into in the morning. Nothing but smiles and praise. I knew that a lot of my students would forget pencils and most would not eat breakfast. So I had gone out and bought pencils and pretzels. When I was walking to the subway with the supplies in my hand it struck me that these are really the essence of my teaching this year.

Yes, I want my students to learn all the content and to succeed on their exams. Yes, I want them to know 8 x 9 = 72 or what heredity means or how to make a text to self connection. But, when you're teaching in a high-need school, you're also trying to provide some basic support that's obviously missing for a lot of students outside the classroom. So I put a pencil in their hand and some food in their stomach and hoped for the best. At this point that's all I can do.

Musical Prozac II

Back in September I talked about music as being one of my primary coping mechanisms for stress. I'm lucky of course to have friends and family who are always here for support as well and I'm trying to incorporate more healthy stress relievers into my life like going to the gym. For now though, music is still a pretty effective go-to to relieve some of the built up tension of the day during my subway rides home. I listed the mix I was relying on in September here and titled it Musical Prozac. Here's the playlist I have in rotation these days, called Musical Prozac II. If you've got suggestions for additions, leave them in the comments below.

1. The Faces - "Ooh La La"
2. Beirut - "Elephant Gun"
3. Ben Harper - "Heart of Gold" (live cover)
4. Cat Stevens - "The Wind"
5. Carole King - "You've Got a Friend"
6. Crosby, Stills & Nash - "Teach Your Children Well"
7. Ben Harper & The Innocent Criminals - "In the Colors"
8. The Jimi Hendrix Experience - "Remember"
9. Sublime - "What I Got"
10. Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young - "Suite - Judy Blue Eyes"
11. Bishop Allen - "Click, Click, Click, Click"
12. Bright Eyes - "Arc of Time"
13. Joe Purdy - "Wash Away (reprise)"
14. Beirut - "Scenic World (Version)"

We Are the Ones

A little cheesy perhaps... but when I think about Obama and his words, they speak right to the core of what I am trying to accomplish as a teacher and to teach my students. We are the ones we've been waiting for. (Also, any video featuring George Lopez?! NO way Hillary can top that.)