Tug of War

I've mentioned The Woman-Child a couple of times now. I've also mentioned her resemblance to ALP, my original unholy classroom nightmare. She also is one of the student who most often brings out the worst in me, the types of behavior I described yesterday.

Every once in a while there's a student who just gets under your skin (if you're lucky it's just one). TWC is a student with a remarkable ability to get rile me up. She has a response to every question: "I've asked you politely to stop talking. Why are you still talking?" "It's my my mouth, I can talk." She's always ready with some rebuttal, sometimes logical, often not.

It's this behavior that threatens to push me to the limit. I've worked hard to restrain myself from reaching that point. And I've largely succeeded. As I've said before, getting into a back and forth with a student is a lose-lose situation. I've gotten to the point where I succeed in avoiding confrontation with her maybe 50-75% of the time. Every once in a while I find myself drawn in. Afterwards, I find myself asking how I let myself get dragged into that situation.

TWC is a smart girl. That's why her back talk is often infuriating. More so, that's why I'm so frustrated by her lack of effort. She will sit in class all day and barely lift a finger. She will sit there writing notes to other students, usually stirring up drama.

The other day she was at it again. In this situation I usually take away the paper she's writing on. This time she grabbed the paper before I could get a full grasp on it. What should I have done? I'm not sure, but what I did was grab her notebook out of her hand and walk away.

It wasn't my lowest moment, but certainly far from my proudest. And I couldn't help but think back to October when I found myself in the same situation with ALP, struggling to get a ruler out of his hands that he was using to tap-tap-tap away on his desk. I've come a long way since dealing (really having no idea how to deal) with ALP. But I clearly still have work to do in learning how to deal with this type of student.

On the one hand there is only a month left in the year. I have tried everything I can think of to help TWC fix her behavior. Her academic and social life are basically in ruin because of her attitude. And yet she continues on the same rude and brazen path. I'm not giving up yet, and I won't let that become an option. But the fight is exhausting as I continue the same daily arguments that I can never win.

The Whole Story

I wish I was who you thought I was. I wish the image presented here was the complete image. That mine was the story of a young, idealistic college grad who refused to bend or break said ideals in the face of overwhelming adversity and exhaustion. The story of my first year teaching as presented here, however is incomplete. And as anyone living under Pres. Bush for 8 years now knows, partial truth isn't really truth at all.

The truth is I have deferred to my lesser instincts at times. Too many times. I have yelled. I have used intimidation and humiliation and vicious sarcasm in the pursuit of some abstract sense of authority. In short, there have been many times when I emulated behavior I found despicable not long ago.

I can't say for certain why I turned to these inhumane practices - slamming down books and chairs, yelling at the top of my lungs, at one point throwing a student's notebook across the room and ordering him to pick it up. Most likely sheer frustration, both at myself and the students. Probably out of a desire as well to impress my peers and supervisors with a peaceful and productive classroom. These are explanations mind you, not excuses.

And the ironic thing about each of these "practices" is that while they are done with the idea of gaining control, they really belie a total lack of control. Only someone who has totally lost control of their emotions would resort to treating a child of 8, 9, 10 years-old in any similar fashion. Only a teacher who has lost control of their classroom would resort to fear or intimidation to gain attention.

Why am I bringing this up all now? I'm not sure. It feels good to bask in the praise. "Your students are lucky to have you." "You are an amazing teacher." "I'm so proud of you." "I could never do what you're doing." These compliments and their variations feel good, no great. And the way I've bathed myself in this praise is enough to make me reconsider the evaluation of teaching as a "selfless job". There have been times when monopolizing a dinner conversation to talk about the hardships of my job I have felt incredibly selfish.

So again, why bring this up now? Perhaps it's an act of confession. Or to be more true to my own roots, a viddui. I've never claimed this job was easy. But it's been nice to pretend I've struggled through it all without really doing any damage.

I suppose I'm bringing this all to light now, because I hope it's all behind me. I can't say that for certain, knowing that the coming weeks will be some of the most chaotic of the year. But, I know that where I am now is a long ways away from when I stepped into the classroom. I have learned to replace certain emotions and reactions with calmer, more responsible, more respectful, more effective ones. In 9 months I don't expect this metamorphosis to be complete, but at the very least I can say I'm conscious of what I'm doing.

I can imagine some of the things I did might be upsetting to someone whose been reading a censored account of my teaching. The only consolation I can offer is I never crossed the line completely, and often I would offer an apology to an individual or the class if I lost my cool. Nonetheless, there were times this year that I was truly ashamed by my behavior.

The truth is that I've made some mistakes and I will continue to make mistakes long after the last day of school this June. I know that sometimes my practices are flawed, but I will never question my motives. Because even when I have lashed out against students verbally, it came from a genuine desire to teach my students and to help them. I've since realized that no matter the motives, such means are never justified. It would be nice to say that I've made my way through the year, through very deep lows and unexpected highs, without compromising my original philosophy as an idealistic new teacher. But that wouldn't be the whole story.

Donorschoose.org

It's taken me too long to get a proposal up on this web site, but now that I finally have, I thought I'd share it with whoever might be reading this blog. I'm trying to start a school newspaper. A difficult task considering our school just lost $200,000 in funding. So I'm no longer being paid for after school time and there's definitely no money for other extravagances i.e. a digital camera or reporter's notebooks. In any case you can read my full proposal here: http://www.donorschoose.org/donors/proposal.html?id=186040
Anything you can do to help is appreciated. If my project isn't for you, there's plenty of other worthy proposals out there. I hope you'll find a way to help!

Out of the Frying Pan...

Wow it got hot today. I forgot that my classroom is basically a sauna on these hot, humid days. But the kids did suprisingly well today considering the heat. I'm just working hard to keep their attention. There's a lot to compete with, and at least 50% of their brains are occupied with fantasies of summer days, with no homework and no Mr. B...

Feels like I just got over a bit of a rough patch. But now I'm just bracing for a bit of a downward spiral. It's one of those self-fulfilling prophesies I think, where teachers assume the kids are going to act out because it's May/June, but the teachers themselves don't care enough to do much, because it's May/June. There's a palpable buzz throughout the school, amongst teachers and students alike. Summer is only 22 school days away, and everyone feels it.

Do As I Say...

It's not exactly new revelation but it struck me today that my co-fellows and I are horrible students. I am constantly having side conversations with my friends. I frequently neglect my work. What caught my attention today was when I sighed heavily after yet another person was called on before me when I felt I'd been raising my hand forever. This is behavior that I frown upon in my classroom and try to discourage. I often get annoyed when the same students will sigh loudly or slam their hands down in frustration on their desk. Now I've realized I'm just as rude and impatient. I wonder if I can turn this realization into something useful or if people are just bound to be frustrated if they don't get called on when they want to share.

UPDATED: Good News?

I got good news today. Although not all the scores are in yet, I heard through one of the literacy coaches that one of my students scored a 3 on the ELA. This is especially exciting news because she is one of my lower performing students. Which is what prompts a bit of a dilemma: What do I take away from this news?

I wanted to I could just bask in the success. I could take it as a sign of my hard work and the hard work of the many other coaches in the school who worked my kids non-stop preparing for the test. I could pat myself on the back and hope the 26 other students I'm accountable for scored as well. But that would be naive.

This student isn't just low performing, she's the lowest reader in my class of 27. In January she read at a kindergarten/1st grade level (H if you're familiar with Fountas and Pinell). She's now reading at close to a J/K. She attends 3-4 days of school a week. Her writing shows very little letter to sound recognition. I've actually been working on a referral for an evaluation for special needs. With all this in mind, I was less than optimistic about her chances on the ELA test.

Now I find out she got a 3? If It just doesn't make sense. At best it implies an extreme problem with the standardized assessment she took. Any test that says this girl is reading and writing at grade level is severely messed up. And if it's not the test? Then that indicates some serious misconduct on the part of whoever proctored the ELL exam.

Maybe the test is fine. Maybe there were no shenanigans in the class where my English Language Learners took the test. Maybe my student just nailed the multiple-choice or maybe she just got lucky. I guess there's no way to know for sure. I do know that if this girl gets passed to the 5th grade I won't see it as a victory, I'll see it as a failure.

UPDATE: Turns out the proctor of the test for my ELL's was a trusted friend so that rules out any shenanigans on that end. In fact, he told me he had to wake her up at least three times during the test! I guess she must have just gotten really, really lucky on the multiple-choice section. Oy.

Rational vs. Intelligent

A continuous struggle this year has been figuring out how to talk to kids and trying to understand how their brains work. Coming from a situation where you're only interacting with college students, it's a big change interacting only with 8, 9 and 10 year-olds. My roommates and friends would argue plenty - sometimes lightheartedly and sometimes seriously. But no matter what the arguments followed a certain logic.

Now when you're dealing with kids that playing field changes. And the challenge for me is to separate intelligence from logic and rationality. Because some of my smartest kids still behave and argue very irrationally. For someone used to talking to peers and following certain rules when talking, this can be... frustrating to say the least.

I'm thinking mostly of The Woman-Child. I've mentioned she's an incredibly smart girl (I only know this from her verbal skills because she rarely completes work). But even though she's smart, this doesn't mean our confrontations follow any sort of logic. When I expect her to behave and argue rationally I get myself in trouble.

In the end I have to remind myself, as I often do, that these are just kids. Rationality is really a function of maturity. When you're just 9 or 10 you expect the world to conform to your expectations which are often self-centered and limited. Using this as a jump-off point, I can approach my interactions much more realistically and hopefully avoid future frustration.

A Double Life

I've mentioned this several times, but it never ceases to blow my mind how absurd my position is at times. I spent the weekend with a bunch of my college friends (today was a year since we graduated). We traveled down to Baltimore for the Preakness which is ostensibly a horse race, but is actually an event where hundreds of thousands college age students gather to drink and engage in generally irresponsible behavior.

Meanwhile today I was back in the classroom, sporting a hell of a sun burn and trying to reassume a position of authority. I have 27 kids who look up to me and see me as some sort of role model. We spend eight hours a day and for some of them I am the biggest influence in their life. I mean, I teach them and supposedly prepare them for life. Not that this is news, but it still amazes me whenever I stop to think about it.

The Class Isn't Always Greener (But It Could Be)

One of the sadder basic facts of life at my school is that there's not much space for the kids to play and there's no green space at all. I've been trying to think of ways to change that, starting with a small garden aka an edible schoolyard was one idea I've had. I think the environment kids play in is just as vital to their growth as their work area, and research seems to support this idea. I read an interesting story on The NY Times's Design blog that discusses the efforts to create "greener" schools in the United States. It's certainly worth reading if you've got the time.

Praise for Teach for America

For a while now I've carried a bit of reticence about my place as a newcomer, outsider or whatever in my high-need school. I take pride in the philosophy behind NYC Teaching Fellows that intends to create career teachers out of people with no formal training. I think this is better than the Teach for America model which openly recruits teachers for only two years. This seemed counter productive since several studies show that high teacher turnover and lack of stability is a major problem plaguing schools like the one I teach in. And yet my stance hypocritical, because I am not planning to make teaching a career, so I am really following the TFA model more than the NYCTF.

Today, via my mom via my old kindergarten/1st grade teacher, I got a bit of reassurance. Maybe I'm not contributing to the problem. Maybe I am a part of the solution. A NY Times editorial mentions a study that shows young teachers from TFA are making a positive impact:

But the new study suggests that talented young people can have a lasting effect even if they do not make a career of teaching. According to the study, Teach for America participants who worked in North Carolina between 2000 and 2006 had more impact on student performance than traditional teachers did, as measured by end-of-course tests.

Of course the success of these teachers is once again measured by the almighty standardized test. I know for a fact that the teachers who have been in my school for a while have a whole other type of presence compared to newbies like myself. They are veterans and mentors to teachers and students alike. They are respected and loved and rightfully so. They have seen whole families come through the school and on parent-teacher nights those old students come back to say hi, or even thank you. That's an impact that can't be made in only two years time. Nevertheless, it's nice to think my inexperience isn't an insurmountable obstacle to succeeding as a teacher.

Snakes on a Plane

I was showing my class pictures of my trip home which included pictures of the plane that I thought the kids would like. Chandrella raised her hand and when I called on her she asked, "Mr. B, have you ever seen Snakes on a Plane?" I told her that I had. "That's why my mom doesn't want to go on a plane!" Now I know the statistics say you're more likely to get in a car accident then be in a plane crash, but I don't know anything about the likelihood of snakes on a plane. So there wasn't much I could say to that...

Always Something

I wonder sometimes if this ever gets easy. I know I have a lot to learn about the basics of teaching. But still, I've found myself less stressed with the day to day aspects of running my classroom. At the same time I've found more and more of my attention diverted by school drama.

There's nothing specific I can put my finger on, but it just seems I'm constantly looking over my shoulder. So much so, I almost considered not flying out to California to meet my new nephew because of what my colleagues would say. Today was a perfect example when I had a run-in with a veteran of my school. This is a woman who I rarely see and from approximately December through April did not enter my classroom. And yet twice in the past week she has walked past my classroom and later made negative remarks to me based on out of context observations.

I know that there's drama at all kinds of work places, and from what I understand there's an especially high level at schools. What I don't understand is why we as teachers would waste our time on this stuff? Especially in a "high-need" environment. When the stakes our high, can't we leave the backstabbing and gossip to the rich schools?

Obama Urges Parental Responsibility

From Newsvine, a story about how Obama's been injecting a bit of "tough talk" into speeches given on the economy and education to crowds at packed high school gyms. He's not saying anything earth shattering, just that a little common sense would go along way:

"You should meet with the teacher and find out what the homework is and help that child with the homework. And if you don't know how to do the homework, don't be embarrassed, find someone to help you."

"Fathers, be fathers," he added. "Be a part of your child's life. Be a part of your child's life and try to make them proud.

"And the last thing is, if your child is misbehaving at school don't curse out the teacher. You know who you are. It's not the teacher's fault that your child is misbehaving. That's some home training."

Amen, brother.

O Bureaucracy

I never claimed to be adept at navigating the finer points of adulthood. For example I went in for a dentist appointment not too long ago. I thought this was very mature of me. Every adult knows you gotta take care of your teeth! A week or so later I was told they were having problems with the billing from my insurance.

So, today when I had some time I went to work figuring the matter out. First I called Cigna who told me they had no record of me and instructed me to call whoever's in charge of my dental coverage. This should not have been too hard, if I had known who that was. So I called NYC HR, who referred me to the DOE HR who referred me to the UFT who connected me to the UFT Welfare Fund who told me I wasn't enrolled! Woops. So now I'm trying to enroll in the welfare fund and receiving a message that says there's no record of me as a member of the UFT.

Interesting... There's an equal chance that I neglected to fill out some paper work, or somewhere in this tangled web of bureaucracy my information is missing or incorrect. In the mean time I have to figure out how to pay my dentist.

How Far We've Come Cont'd

Today was a rough day. I wasn't feeling well at all and it just felt like a struggle to get through. But, again, I had to think about the day relative to September to gain some perspective.

The tough days I have these days, would have been great days back in September. A day like today would definitely have been nice back in the fall. Of course I can't hold myself to that standard anymore. I've come a long way and the kids have come a long way. So in that respect I should be tough on myself still. Furthermore, as behavior's gotten better, there's new problems.

The problem I've faced lately isn't chaos and non-stop talking. It's actually silence. I will be up there teaching a math lesson and asking questions and I swear I can hear the crickets chirping. And it's infuriating! I have to try so hard not to lose my cool, because I finally have some quiet in the room, but I still don't have their attention.

I guess that's why I signed up for this in the first place. I knew this job would never be boring and there would be an endless flow of challenges. So one challenge is over. I don't have to fight to be heard. Now a new challenge begins. We'll see how I handle it.

How Far We've Come

On Wednesday my students took the last state exam of the year for science. As a technique to help calm their nerves I asked them to think of all the things they had learned in science this year. They talked about adaptations, ecosystems, animal behaviors and more. I know they were still very nervous, but it helped them put things in perspective as they headed into the test.

This week I'm planning on taking a few days off to see my new nephew. I feel very nervous about it. It's a major test for me and my students. How will they behave while I'm gone and how well have I prepared them and the classroom environment for my (semi-)prolonged absence. As nervous as I am I realized I had to put things into perspective for myself too.

So I thought about how much I've learned since September and how much things have changed. It's funny to think how much I dreaded going into school in the morning. I literally used to feel sick to my stomach. Now I actually wish I wasn't missing three days of school. As I grade homework and look over reflections on their science exams I feel pride and affection. I still feel apprehensive about leaving for three days, but I also feel better, knowing how far we've come as a class since the fall.